It was my new year’s resolution not to be bothered by guys. Now I just am. And I am hoping this will flow within this week.
I do feel really bad, when I thought we were friends like just days ago. And now just ordinary colleagues again. And I know you are too good to be true for me. So I just hide away and scape. Don’t wanna talk with you personally.
And you know what, it just happens that many people around me are talking about relationships these days. I would not want to think about it. Someone asked me last night, and I said, too much hope and too much disappointment. Then he said it would not always be like this.
I said, then wait until the one who would not disappoint me appears.
I smile, I work. I get up at 6 every day and arrive at office before 8. They say I am hardworking and talented. They say I am outgoing and optimistic. They say I am the most interesting intern in office ever, and it will be such a shame if they don’t hire me.
I am. And I am not.
It is worth remembering that do not always apply Christian practice in office and also other places. Cause what seems normal might let non-Christian feel awkward as I look too passionate lol. Thus leads to misunderstanding.
Anyways, regardless of misunderstandings or not, I would not wait for someone who does not like me at all. I am not willing to take the risk nor change myself. Damn, this might seem to be a lesson learned from last relationship.
It had so much influence on me! Damn…
I do not want to be the initial one again at all. I am protecting myself.
And I have been quite upset about seniors’ graduation this week, especially for a guy.
He was not very good at me especially in wechat… He always yelled at me and looked too cold. But ultimately I knew then, I still know now, that we have feelings. He seems changed a bit when we met this week. He is not that harsh on me and we can now have talks. You know he always talked to me instead of talking with me before. I don’t know it is because he is leaving, or we have been far apart for 9 months, he’s now more gentle to me.
If he does not change and let me keep disliking him (cause I already sensed that last year), I would not think about this matter now. If he was like what he is right now, things would have been so different. But what he said did really touch me this week. And make me emotional. For our uni life, for his leave, for our ambiguous situation, and for everything. Damn, why this happens before saying goodbye.
Should I feel regretful and unfortunate?
I don’t know. Work is easier for me. Relationship is the biggest difficulty in my life. I can’t handle it at all. I just will be very down and then cry.
Who doesn’t want simple true love. But how many still hold the faith, belief and confidence other than endless fear?
What a sadness. I just put my earphones on and stay away from the noisy world.
I remind myself that when I choose my black glasses, I was hoping to keep low-key. And I know I don’t look good with it. But it is my way of preventing from any affairs so as not to get my heart bothered, isn’t it?